CHAPTER SEVEN

A Mad Tea Party

Alice was not too surprised when the Cat disappeared because by now strange things seemed rather normal to her. While she was still looking at the tree branch where he had been sitting, her new furry friend suddenly appeared again.

"By the way, whatever happened to the baby?" he asked.

"It turned into a pig," Alice answered. It didn't even surprise her that the Cat had suddenly appeared again. In fact, it seemed perfectly natural.

"I thought it would," said the Cat and disappeared again.

Alice waited a little while, to see if he was going to reappear. When he did not, she walked in the direction of the March Hare's house.

"Perhaps since this month is May, he won't be completely mad," Alice said to herself, "at least maybe he won't be as mad as he was in March." As she spoke, she looked up, and there was the Cat again, sitting on another tree branch.

"Sorry to bother you, but did you say 'pig' or 'fig'?" asked the Cat.

"I said 'pig'," replied Alice, "I do wish you wouldn't keep appearing and disappearing all the time. Goodness, you're making me feel dizzy."

"As you wish," replied the Cat. This time he disappeared slowly, beginning with the end of his tail and ending with the smile. The smile remained for a while even after his body had already gone.

"Well, I've seen many a cat without a smile," thought Alice, "but a smile without a cat? I'm sure it's the most curious thing I've ever seen in my life."

There was a house not too far away whose chimneys were shaped like ears and whose roof was covered with fur. Alice was quite certain that this was the March Hare's house. It was such a big house, so she did not want to approach it until she had eaten some more of the left-hand bit of mushroom. The mushroom bit made her grow to a height of two feet.

There was a large tree with a table underneath it in the front yard, and the March Hare and the Hatter were having tea there. Between the two sat a Dormouse who was completely asleep. His friends were resting their elbows on him as if he were a pillow. They were talking to one another over his head.

That must be very uncomfortable for the Dormouse, thought Alice, but since he's asleep, I guess he doesn't mind.

Even though the table was large, the three friends were sitting together crowded into one corner. "There's no room! No room!" they shouted together when they saw Alice approaching.

"What are you talking about? There's plenty of room," said Alice, feeling quite in the right, and she sat down in a large arm chair at the end of the table.

"Have some wine," the March Hare offered politely.

Alice looked around the table, but there was no wine. There was nothing on it but tea. "I don't see any wine," she remarked.

"That's because there isn't any," said the March Hare.

"Then it wasn't very polite of you to offer it," Alice said, more than a little bothered.

"It wasn't very nice of you to sit down without an invitation," replied the March Hare.

"I didn't know this was only your table," answered Alice. "There are places set for more people than three."

Alice's remark made the Hatter open his eyes very wide, but all he said was, "Why is a black bird like a writing desk?"

"I think I can guess the answer to that question," she said.

"Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer?" said the March Hare.

"Exactly," said Alice.

"Then you should say what you mean," replied the March Hare.

"I do," Alice quickly answered, "at least I mean what I say. That's the same thing, you know."

"No, no, it isn't!" cried the Hatter. "Why, you might as well say that 'I see what I eat' is the same thing as 'I eat what I see.'"

"You might just as well say," added the Dormouse, who seemed to be talking while he was sleeping, "that 'I breathe when I sleep' is the same thing as 'I sleep when I breathe.'"

"Well, we know that it's all the same to you," laughed the Hatter. This remark made him and the March Hare laugh very loudly.

All of a sudden, the conversation stopped, and the party was quite silent for a minute. During this time, Alice was trying to remember everything she knew about black birds and writing desks. She realized she didn't know very much.

The Hatter was the first to speak. "What day of the month is it?" he asked Alice. Taking his watch out of his pocket, he began to look at it unhappily. So often he shook it and held it up to his ear.

"Today is the fourth," Alice said.

"You're off by two days," sighed the Hatter. "I told you that putting butter inside my watch would damage it," he added, looking angrily at the March Hare.

"But it was the best butter I could find," the March Hare replied.

"Yes, but some small pieces of cake must have gotten inside as well," the Hatter said.

The March Hare took the watch from the Hatter and dipped it into his teacup. "It was the best butter, you know." "What a strange watch," Alice remarked, looking over the shoulders of the March Hare. "It tells the day of the month, but it doesn't tell the time."

"Does it have to?" asked the Hatter. "I bet your watch doesn't tell you what year it is."

"Of course it doesn't," Alice replied at once, "but that's because it's the same year for a very long time."

"This is exactly the case with mine," said the Hatter. Alice was terribly confused. Even though she was certain that the Hatter was speaking English, his remark didn't make any sense.

"I really can't understand what you're saying," she said, trying to be polite.

"The Dormouse is sleeping again," said the Hatter, and he began to pour hot tea on the poor fellow's little nose.

The Dormouse just, shook his head from side to side. Impatiently, without opening his eyes, he said, "Of course. That's just what I was going to say myself."

"So have you figured out the answer to the question yet?" asked the Hatter, turning to Alice again.

"No, I give up," Alice replied. "Tell me the answer." "Well, I don't know the answer," said the Hatter smiling. "Nor do I," said the March Hare.

Alice sighed. She was beginning to feel tired. "Don't you have something better to do with your time," she said, "than sit and ask questions that don't have any answers?"

"Your idea of time is not the same as mine. If it were," said the Hatter, "you wouldn't talk about wasting it. It's him, you know."

"No, I don't understand what you mean," said Alice.

"Of course you don't," said the Hatter. He seemed to be getting impatient with Alice's lack of understanding. "I dare say you never even spoke to Time."

"You're right," Alice replied cautiously, "I only know I have to beat time when I'm learning music."

Ha! That explains everything," said the Hatter. "Time doesn't like to be beaten. I mean, would you like a beating? Now, if you only tried to be nice and good to him, he'd do almost anything you liked. Let's suppose it was nine o'clock in the morning. You have to open your school books and start working. But if you had a friendly relationship with time, you could tell him your wish and he'd make the clock move forward in a second. Soon the clock would be half past one, which is time for lunch."

"That would be great," said Alice, thinking about the idea, "but then I wouldn't be hungry."

"It might take a while to get used to," said the Hatter, "but you could keep the clock at half past one as long as you wished."

"Is that how you handle time?" Alice asked.

The Hatter sadly shook his head. "Not I," he replied, "Time and I had an argument last March just before he went mad," pointing at the March Hare with his teaspoon. "It was at a concert given by the Queen of Hearts and I had to sing:

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!

How I wonder what you're at!

Do you know the song, by any chance?"

"I think I know one that's similar," said Alice.

"It goes on, you know," the Hatter continued, "like this:

Up above the world you fly

Like a tea-tray in the sky.

Twinkle, twinkle."

Here the Dormouse moved himself about and began to sing in his sleep, "Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle—

He continued to sing these same words for so long that they had to pinch him to make him stop.

"Just when I had finished the first verse," said the Hatter, "the Queen yelled, 'He's murdering time. Off with his head!' Ever since then time won't do anything I ask him to. Now the clock always stays at six o'clock."

Alice had been thinking to herself during the Mad Hatter's story about Time. All of a sudden she had a very bright idea. "Be quiet, everyone," she said. She tapped her spoon against the glass pot to get everyone's attention.

The others looked at her in great surprise, wondering how she could possibly have an idea about Time.

Truth be told, Alice had even surprised herself. She knew that to come up with a new idea was quite an achievement. She had been taught this at school. But it was even more great to be able to have an idea in the middle of such strange and strange-thinking creatures. In fact, the idea seemed to Alice to be even more extraordinary than all the things that had happened ever since she arrived here!

(end of section)